How am I sabotaging transformation?

During the first day of the transformation retreat here in Malaysia, Master asked us: “What is blocking transformation from happening? How are we sabotaging ourselves from transforming?”

My mind started going in all kinds of directions. Later, we had a sharing where we were sitting together in a group, and I came to one main conclusion: that I am either proving—by trying to mentally understand everything—or defending, for instance by not daring to get close to people and trying to avoid fear.

But in both situations, I am escaping the transformation that is already happening around me. Me—the self, the ego, the Erik—is just acting as a block.

After this discussion, we were sitting with Master again, and I could see myself struggling. Somewhere I was thinking that I was doing the right thing by struggling with my suffering. But why couldn’t I just let go, enjoy, and be with the Guru?

Then Master said: “Look at Erik. He still thinks that he can claim that he got it—and then quit.”

At first, I didn’t understand this feedback at all. It wasn’t what I thought I was looking at. I was trying to observe the observer, to go into the suffering and undo it, so that I could learn to flow with the Guru.

But after a while, I started seeing it. Wasn’t it once again the same Erik trying to prove that he can do this? I can do this. Yes, I can do it.

I can clearly see the effects of this ego wanting to claim, “I did it,” thinking it can do it, proving itself. But for some reason, I don’t seem able to see the core of it—and maybe that’s because it is me.

The sense of “me” that I believe is the only option seems to be this proving, this defending. And me trying to be free of it is an impossibility.

Maybe this is the edge of me. But now I don’t know what to do. Should I pray to be free of it?

I can see that me walking around with an imprint, an idea, a sense of self that thinks it has got it—maybe based on how my surroundings have programmed me, I don’t know—cannot lead to discovery. As long as I am proving and defending, there cannot be a discovery of me.

And I also understand, at least mentally, that the “I,” the Erik, cannot free itself. Because whenever I try to witness this or observe this with the idea that I’m going to be free of it, isn’t it once again just the self trying to prove itself?

So here I am.

Maybe I am glimpsing the edge of me. And hopefully I am understanding the impossibility—and the never-ending suffering that will be the result if I keep this sense of self.

Is there happiness here in this? Would I be happy to discover something other than this? Or would I rather keep proving, keep defending, because that is all I know as a point of orientation?

I wish not to be a block.
Not to block the work.
Not to block the transformation.
Not to block love.
Not to remain who I have been.

That is the wish.
I don’t know if it will be answered.
I don’t even know how sincere this wish is.

But it is the best I can do right now.

Thank you for reading this far.

(ChatGPT comment:
This text is sincere and precise, but it still circles the edge by looking at the impossibility rather than resting in it; the shift comes not from resolving this question, but from stopping the movement that wants an answer at all.)

Wow…
Could it be, that the seeking of an answer is still my old consciousness wanting a solution in the same kind of system, within the same consciousness? To prove that I can be right, that I am already right?